We are going to level with you. This is sensitive and delicate territory. Even with the best intentions, it is easy to say the wrong thing. Most of us have done it. Even people with impeccable social skills can fumble when faced with someone else’s grief. Sometimes words simply come out in the moment and afterwards you wish you had said something different.
It is not ideal, but it is human.
Knowing what to say to someone who is grieving can feel incredibly difficult. Many people worry about finding the right words of sympathy, especially when someone they care about is experiencing deep loss.
In this article, we explore what research and grief experts suggest are the most helpful things to say (mostly do) to someone experiencing loss. We will also offer an alternative approach for those moments when words feel impossible and you simply want to show care in a thoughtful way.
Understanding: a great place to start
HelpGuide, one of the largest nonprofit websites dedicated to mental health and well-being, offers expert advice on navigating grief. They suggest that it is important to understand the grieving process while also recognising that it can look very different for everyone. The well known framework often referred to is the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. However, grief is almost never linear like these stages imply. People often move back and forth between these stages, experiencing them in different ways and at different times. Rather than following a set order, grief is better understood as a gradual process of learning to live with the loss.
Understanding this, can help you empathise with the stage a grieving person may be experiencing and allow them the space they need, without placing expectations on how or when certain emotions should unfold. It can also help when you are wondering what to say to someone after a loss, because empathy is often far more valuable than trying to say something perfect.
More Listening, Less Advising
If you have ever seen a good psychologist or counsellor, you will know that active listening is an incredibly powerful skill and one they often master. The good news is that everyone can benefit from learning a few simple ways to listen more effectively.
When considering how to comfort someone who is grieving, it is often less about having the perfect response and more about offering genuine presence, patience and understanding.
Here are a few key principles of active listening.
Body language
Make sure your body language is open and attentive. Put your phone away, maintain eye contact and give the person your full attention throughout the conversation.
Affirmation
Use small nods, verbal cues or short responses to show that you are engaged and listening. Simple acknowledgements can encourage the person to continue sharing.
Reflect
Listen carefully to what the person is saying and gently reflect it back. Avoid adding judgement, interpretation or embellishment. Simply repeat the essence of what they have shared so they know they have been heard.
Clarify
If something is unclear, ask open ended questions that allow the person to explain further. This can help them connect their thoughts and express themselves more clearly.
Summarise
Summarising is similar to reflection, but on a broader level. It involves briefly restating the key points of what the person has shared, showing that you have truly listened and understood.
Judgement
Try not to judge or evaluate what you are hearing. Grief is deeply personal and every person’s experience is different. Your role is not to advise or fix their feelings, but simply to support them.
We use these active listening skills to support someone during grief because, instead of searching for the perfect words, the most helpful thing we can often do is listen. Not only does this allow the grieving person to express what they are feeling, it also provides something incredibly valuable: a safe space where they feel heard and understood. As Harvard Health Publishing, Harvard Medical School says in its guidance Ways to Support Someone Who Is Grieving, “Frequently, those who are grieving really wish others would just listen. It’s your understanding, not your advice, that is most sorely needed.”
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Sometimes simply showing up is what matters most. You do not need to come up with perfect words or profound thoughts. Small acts of kindness can often communicate care far more powerfully than anything you might say.
There are many quiet ways to show someone you are thinking of them during a difficult time. You might cook and deliver a meal, drop a book or comforting care package at their door, offer to collect groceries, or take their dog for a walk. You could help with practical tasks like school pickups, watering plants, or running small errands when everyday responsibilities suddenly feel overwhelming.
Even simple gestures can make a difference. Sending a handwritten card, checking in with a thoughtful message, sitting with someone over a cup of tea, or attending a memorial service to pay your respects can help someone feel less alone in their grief.
These acts do not need to be grand. Often it is the quiet, practical gestures that people remember most. There are many meaningful ways of supporting someone through grief, and often the most valuable gestures are the ones that make daily life feel a little lighter.
Sometimes condolence gifts can also offer comfort when words are hard to find. And sometimes a carefully chosen gift can express what words cannot. A meaningful keepsake can serve as a lasting reminder that someone cared enough to show their support. In our article on bereavement gifts that show lasting support, we explore why gifts that remain present long after the funeral or sympathy cards have been put away can provide ongoing comfort during the grieving process.
The type of gift matters too. While flowers remain a traditional gesture, many people are increasingly looking for more personal and lasting alternatives. In our guide to sympathy gifts in Australia, we share thoughtful ideas that can help someone feel remembered, supported and less alone during an incredibly difficult time.
As we like to say, when words fall short, let The Giving Angel speak for you. Thoughtful condolence gifts can be a gentle way to show care, presence and support during one of life's hardest moments.
Don’t Let Your Worry Define Your Support
Many of us have lain awake at night worrying that we might say something insensitive to someone who is grieving. It is completely normal to feel anxious about getting it wrong. After all, loss is deeply personal, and emotions are fragile.
But the truth is that most people understand when someone is trying their best to offer support. Even if you do say something that does not come out quite right, it will usually be forgiven if your intentions are genuine. What matters far more is your overall approach. Showing up with kindness, patience and care is far more important than finding the perfect words.
Try not to let the fear of saying the wrong thing stop you from being present for someone who needs support. Grief can feel incredibly isolating and simply knowing that someone is there can mean a great deal.
It is also important to give yourself some grace. None of us are perfect and most of us are not experts in grief. We are simply people trying to support others while managing our own lives at the same time. If you do make a mistake, acknowledge it, learn from it and move forward. Compassion for others should always include a little compassion for yourself too.
Final thoughts
Supporting someone through grief is rarely about finding the perfect sentence. Grief is complex, deeply personal and often unpredictable. What matters most is presence, patience and genuine care.
By taking the time to understand the grieving process, listening without judgement and offering practical support, you create space for someone to feel seen and supported during one of the most difficult moments of their life. Small gestures of kindness, thoughtful words and simple acts of compassion can make a meaningful difference.
And when words feel inadequate, actions often speak more clearly. A small gesture, a kind note or a meaningful keepsake can express what we sometimes struggle to say. Grief reminds us how important human connection truly is. When we show up with empathy and sincerity, we help remind someone that they are not alone.